I've Aged

Well, guess what? I've aged! It was my birthday yesterday and that marked the 19th year of my living and breathing. One might say 19-year-olds are still generally young, but when you think about it 19 years is quite a looong time. It's almost two decades. Wow. I sound old now =/.

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I'm feeling pretty blank here. I have no idea what to say. Sigh. It's just depressing. And I'm feeling just so tired. Not metaphorically, but physically and mentally. I know it's pointless and immature to whine, but I really need to let it all out. And besides, I rarely whine about anything in life. I embrace what I'm provided with and do not question it. Sometimes I just get really ticked off when I hear people complaining about mere inconveniences or sometimes even over nothing.

I always believe if you look at the brighter and more positive side of things, you'll see that things aren't half as bad as you may perceive them to be. A lot of things which people complain about, I had to work really hard for it, while they don't. So it just annoys me.

But I always try to keep it to myself. Why? 'Coz everyone's entitled to their own opinions, I can't tell them how or what to feel. However, I really do wish they would quit being so ignorant and start seeing their lives in a better light. It isn't as bad as they make it to be. It really does help to try to think more positively and be more understanding towards circumstances. Trust me, I've

been doing that all my life =).

Amazed by the Amazing

Everyday I can't help but just be amazed by the very existence of us. Anything I come across eg. a spoon, trains, highways, buttons etc. just don't fail to come across as fascinating to me. I mean just take a second and think about it. A large part of the world we live in is created by members of ourselves. To think that we are of such capability to create so many different systems that interact with one another on a daily basis. Just wow.

I know many Malaysians love to "talk" about the government; mainly about the way issues are handled. Many a time, I do agree. But there are times when I feel respect for them. Because when you really think about it, running a country with millions of people is not a piece of cake. There are laws to form, monetary issues to deal with, systems created for the conveniece of people and so much more. All in all, it comes down to the amazing endless capabilities of the human race.

We have come so far since the days of the cavemen. In those days, the main goal was to find shelter, hunt for food and reproduce. Now, we have a variety of goals to achieve in different aspects; career, education, society, personal, entertainment and so on. Everyday life is already complex on its own. From the moment you get out of bed to brush your teeth to cooking breakfast to catching the train to attend a class to eating at a restaurant for dinner to coming home for a warm shower. It may come across as any ordinary daily activity. But to look at it in a different perspective, as to how an ordinary day of a caveman would consist of running around with a spear and finding burning fire fascinating, I standing in nothing but awe.

We, the humans, are just soooo amazing. =D

Heart-Shaped Box by Joe Hill

Ah, finally another good book. I picked this book up when I went to the previous Big Bad Wolf Warehouse Sales. Books were really cheap there, averaging RM8 though of course you won't find popular international best-sellers there. Most of them were pretty much unknown here, which made it even better for me. =D

Anyway, I went to the sales alone as I couldn't find anyone to go with me. So I took my time and lugged 7 books back home.

Out of the 7 books, this book cover caught my eye the most. I guess you could say I do actually judge a book first by its cover. When I first saw this book, I instantly thought how the title sounds completely different from the cover illustrations and synopsis at the back. I discovered it was actually a horror book and I've always been a fan of horror but have yet to find any good, original ones. And something told me this one was gonna be good.

And yep I was right. Although it did take me a few weeks to finish it 'coz in between finishing I finished another book as well, "Acting It Up" by Melissa Nathan, a typical, predictable chic-lit (which I managed to finish during the weekend.) I guess the reason why I finished the chic-lit first was because I've always felt that they were easier to read. There's not so much to process, storyline is almost predictable. In other words, I guess you could say I was lazy to get some serious reading done.

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"Heart-Shaped Box" wasn't at all like how I predicted. The title alone is misleading, at first glance I thought it was another romance story. But it was more than that. (Note: It's actually a title of a Nirvana song). It tells a story of how middle-aged rock star Judas Coyne hears of someone selling a ghost on the Internet. Being a collector of various dark and macabre artefacts, Judas fell for the bait.

The ghost arrived in a black heart-shaped box and inside it was a suit that once belonged to the ghost. At its arrival, the house became cold, the dogs started barking and made Judas wonder if he was beginning to hallucinate things.

But it doesn't stop there. The ghost was "sent" to Judas for a reason. A reason so fearful that it made him run for his life.

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Joe Hill has done an excellent job keeping the atmosphere of this book with deep resonances of the dark and macabre. I find that this book maintains a good balance of reality and fantasy. Despite the mentioning of many occult and gothic elements, the true and masked horror contained here is the vicious cycle of human abuse. How victims of abuse can grow up to become an abuser themselves.

There is actually a bit of romance in this story , that is if you could actually call it romance. Judas has got a live-in girlfriend who was also dragged into his ghostly endeavours. At the beginning of the book, you could see that it was a love-hate thing. Of course, Judas being a rock star with an abusive background would have all emotions and sentimentality robbed of him. So, don't expect lots of "I love you"s. But there's something about Judas's character that's so well written that you will find him so likeable. Even his girlfriend's character will surprise you in the end.

All in all, I think that this book is worth wayyy much more than the price I paid. Nowadays, with so many books repeating the same themes especially chic-lits (sorry I just can't get my head around them =P) it's hard to find really good books that stands out. Sure, I do read Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic series (in fact, it's the only chic-lit I like) but that's more for entertainment. To find something that can be appreciated as good literature is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Well at least to me. =D

P.S. I know I'm probably slower than others, but Green Day's latest album 21st Century Breakdown is awesome!

To put it blatantly, I'm terrified

I realized that it is the easiest for me to blog when I'm left completely alone in the room. Like now for instance. I suppose the quietness allows my thoughts to resonate purposefully without being diverted or distracted.

You know my parents have always been pretty hard on pushing us to strive to be the best but at the same time they will also remind us that they will always be someone out there better than us. Hmm...discouraging and contradicting, much? But anyhow, I don't see why we still should not try and perform our very best.

So yeah, in high school, I was pretty much among the top 10s or so especially in English, which my Dad is really particularly proud of. Sometimes he does it so often that I feel embarassed about it. Lol. But no that's not the bad thing.

The bad thing is, when I came to college, it didn't take me long to find myself struggling to be one of the best. And I don't think I've achieved it. Yet. I hope.

It just demoralizes me each time when I find out I'm lagging quite some way behind the better ones. And not too mention I feel like the dumbest among the other TWC Scholarship recipients. At times, I feel the pressure of the expectations placed upon me by so many people - lecturers, friends, parents and also the advertising company that is supposed to provide me with my very first job upon graduation. Every semester, they'll be updated with my progress in both academic and co-curricular terms. That itself is a very terrifying thought. =/

Honestly, I do feel that the subjects I have now is wayyy different and possibly harder than say subjects of maths and sciences. Why do I say this? Simply because most of the solutions in maths and science subjects are already pre-determined. It is pure objective facts and answers. 2+2 will always equals to 4 no matter who is the person answering it. Whereas in the subjects I do, most of the time the answers are very subjective. Scoring high marks will depend on how well you present your points and way of seeing things. Having perfect grammar and good command of English will only help to a certain extent. The rest is different. It depends on how good a communicator you are.

And that is where I think I'm lacking in. I was based on a maths and science background. I tend to see things one-way. My mind is very, very logically structured. But at the same time, I detest the maths and sciences. I believe I am flawed in that sense where I am not able see and write things on a more open end. However, I do think that since I am aware of my flaws there is a chance for me to improve on it though a lot of hard work and effort will be required.

The thing is, am I ready for it? Am I ready to spend hours reading and analysing proper references? Do I have the determination to do so?

Hmm I think I have spent more time than I should on enjoyment. I have been far too laid-back. Foundation year was a breeze and clearly degree is not the same. Time to step my game up. I already have the proper language tools, so might as well make the most of it. =)

You know, today is one of my "thinking" days. What are "thinking" days, you wonder? Well it's one of those days where my mind actually twitches enough to get me thinking. Thinking of what, you ask? Hmm, I suppose it's mostly things I would love to write and blog about but I can't. Why not? Because it may be a bit too opinionated and some people reading it may not necessarily see eye-to-eye with me. Hence, it becomes a no-go and I'll be compelled to discard that thought. =/

And that leaves me with a desolated blog. I don't know why but I don't really fancy posting up my everyday life with lots of pictures to accompany it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against people who do it. In fact, I find it entertaining to read about other people's daily activities. It's just that I don't really feel thrilled to post up mine.

If you've noticed, you would see that my blog is mainly made up of words? There are very few pictures. Again, it's just something about me. I love seeing lots of words on a page. I suppose it makes me feel clever about myself =P. Lol.

Mmm...3:16am. I should really try to go to sleep. My new semester will be starting next week and my classes begins at 8:00am. Need to get used to waking up early again. But the thing is, I have been having problems falling asleep. I'd go to bed and lay there for more than an hour whilst the person next to me snores occasionally. And this happened pretty much every night for the past month. The other day I kinda felt this feeling of dread washed over me when the thought of sleep came into mind. Internally (and silently), I freaked out. I never thought I would feel afraid to go to bed.

There's something wrong with me isn't it? =/ *sigh*

Goodnight guys. Let's give going to sleep another try.

I feel like a zombie. It's been 3 weeks into my semester break and all I ever do is sleep, cook, eat, computer, go out for a bit, eat, computer and sleep. My bedtimes now are usually between 3am to 4am and I wake up around 1pm or 2pm. I know.

Sometimes when I wake up and see the time, I feel frustrated because I've wasted half the day sleeping. But then, there's this other part which refuses to want to comply. The bed can seem so tempting but that's only when I'm asleep. When I'm awake, I try to stay up as late as I can because I don't want to waste time sleeping. See the irony?

Lately, there's been a few thoughts circulating in my head. I've been wondering what's happened to me. Why there's a change. Is it really possible to just lose an interest?

I'm worried about the love and passion I had for writing that seems to be slowly ebbing away. Writing was something which I always felt confidently good at. That if someone asked me what I'm good at, it would be writing. But now I'm starting to doubt it. It doesn't feel as natural as it used to be. And there's usually little or no inspiration at all.

It's as though I've lost the flair for it. But I don't want to lose it. I've tried to rekindle the flame by going to the library regularly and getting books to read. However, I still find that I'm falling prey to the many distractions around me. Sometimes I do get inspirations or ideas and I'd make a mental note but forget about it later. Has writing and expressing myself became of such lower priority?

I wish I knew for sure what made this happened. That way, maybe I could fix it better. I suppose I really have to mull over this and come up with a solution. Otherwise, it'll just fade away and I'll be left being good at nothing.

It already feels unbearable with that thought in mind. Being skill-less.

Sigh. I really do not like this. =(

You know, I have this fear that when entering those motion-sensor sliding doors in shopping malls, it won't open. It happened once, and it was soo embarassing.

One of the things that comes along with being short.

When I was younger, I really hated it. The fact that I am short. Height is something irrevocable, staying almost permanent till the day you die, unless you go to the extreme - surgery.

So here I am, standing at 152cm (or is it 150cm?).

But I guess over the years, the height thing sort of grew on me and people begun to identify me with my height. It was not necessarily a bad thing, some people said I'm so noticeable because of my height, which I think is pretty ironic.

Anyhow, I discovered heels and now I wear them almost everytime I go out (ask my friends). And my heels usually averaged at about 4 inches. My friends would all ask me how could I stand walking around the whole day in them. But in truth, I don't really feel anything. I think it's because of my size. Being short lowers my center of gravity and that makes it easier for me to balance on two pointy sticks. Haha, some theory eh.

I don't know, but some people might think that I'm vain or something for wearing heels all the time. But the truth is that it raises my self-esteem, it makes me feel more confident. Honestly, it does. Try asking me to give a presentation in flats and then you'll see what happens.

So, I guess now I'm pretty much over the height thing. Although there are several things which can be pretty irksome. Like the motion-sensor slide door thing. And not being able to drive go-karts because I'm just a few centimeters too short. And not to mention not being able to reach for things on the higher shelves. It can be quite frustrating and embarassing at times. But then when that happens, all I gotta do is just remember how Teddy would always tease me for being tiny. =)

I've always been amazed and fascinated by the myriad of interesting and strange things that we can find in the world. All my life, I've always been attracted to anything that's about the paranormal, supernatural, world mysteries, strange human conditions...basically anything that's out of the norm.

Almost everytime we're given an opportunity to present anything we want in class, I would pick something from these. Like back in high school I gave an oral presentation on the Bermuda Triangle and recently for my CCS presentation about the strange and weird conditions of some human beings.

I don't know but at times I feel frustrated at people for not appreciating such amazing and fascinating occurences around us. Their ignorance. Like they'd rather not know these things. I mean, we all live on the same planet. Wouldn't it be interesting to know about the remotest parts of the world? Or what lies in the deepest parts of the deepest oceans? Or what extinct animals look like?

Last week I got this book out of the public library that's about this girl who sees numbers, words and sounds in various colors and shapes. The characters and story is fictional, but the condition is a fact. It's actually a neurological condition called synesthesia. Generally, people with synesthesia have specific colors for numbers, words or sounds. Some even experience a certain taste in their mouths at the sound of something. But it varies from individuals.

Before this, I have no idea at all that such condition exist. I'm just so amazed by it. Wouldn't life be so much more colorful and fun to have colors or tastes associated with someone's name or voice? The good thing about synesthesia is that it is harmless. It does not cause the people with it to have any negative effects.

People with synesthesia see numbers and alphabets like this:

Isn't this just so fascinating???

Anyway, if you're interested to read the book, the title is "A Mango-Shaped Space" by Wendy Mass. I got it from the Kuala Lumpur Library around Dataran Merdeka.

P.S. Pictures of my recent Langkawi trip can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=92932&id=543104925

Finally, the much awaited break

Phew. I've officially completed my very first semester being a degree student. And honestly, it isn't the same as high school nor foundation. It is tough, especially since my course is entirely assignment-based (I have no exams). A lot of research and reading is usually needed to complete an assignment. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. I actually sort of like it because I actually learn a lot more that way. I don't really fancy exams because most of the times what we do is memorize all the facts and forget about it right after the exam.

But anyway, I'm finally done with the first semester and am on my 1 month break. It's weird though, I still feel like I have something to do. I guess I'm still on the "high" of assignments. Lol.

Hmm okay...I'm not feeling very inspired nor creative today. Not gonna blog any further.

Toodles! Happy holidays to my coursemates. =)

Shipwrecked

Okay maybe I'm not totally shipwrecked but heck yeah I've been through some hell this week. In short, it was a blur and rush of events. It all happened in one week. There was the group drama performance, some desktop recorded videos, a video presentation and the worst - an essay written in the PR perspective. I don't even know what's a PR perspective like. Ugh.

But to my amaze (and everyone's), we all got through it. The experience actually feels surreal. For once, I actually forgot about myself and my normal daily activities. All I had on mind was to memorize the script, finish shooting the video and research as much as possible to finish the essay. And oh, the essay. One of the worst every nightmares I had to go through. It's so stupid that I can't believe I did it.

It happened like this:

1. Finished about 10 pages of the assignment.

2. Tried to create a table of contents using the new MS Word 2007.

3. Somehow everytime I tried, all the pages after the TOC got deleted.

4. So I thought, "Okay, better save my progress in case of emergencies."

5. Clicked Save.

6. Suddenly realised I saved it when all the pages after TOC have been deleted.

7. Dead meat.

So after frantically searching the Internet for files recovery programs and finding out that even with the recovered file MS Word can't open it (only gibberish comes out), I had no choice but to redo my entire assignment! Well I actually did sent a rough draft to my email a few days before, it only had 1 page done and the others in point form, but heck it's better than nothing.

In the end, I spent the rest of the entire night (3.00AM onwards) re-writing the whole thing. And yup, I did not sleep. At all. I finished at 6.00AM and since class started at 8.00AM, it was pretty much pointless to try to catch some sleep.

I was actually surprised that I would do such a stupid mistake. I mean I always thought such things were restricted to more....careless people. But now I've learnt my lesson. A very, very hard lesson.

Always, always, ALWAYS, make backup copies and save the file in multiple destinations, be it thumbdrives, external hard disks, online storage...whatever.

Ugh. I wince every time I think about it.

I'm thinking it's gonna turn into some sort form of paranoia. =/

Woot!

Wow, I actually feel awesome about myself today. =D

I made, BAKED, a batch of soy (or soya) milk muffins!

I don't know or how I got this sudden urge to bake but it started with me being alone at home tonight and I was wondering what should I do. So I thought of going out for dinner with a friend, but I realised I wasn't that hungry. Hence, I suddenly thought of baking.

But soy milk muffins, you ask?

Well, recently I developed this likingness (or addiction) towards a particular brand of soy milk. VSoy. Omg, those who has never tried it, please do! It tastes almost like milk! Mmmm mmmm.

Then I searched the Internet for any recipe that constitutes of soy milk and I found the soy milk muffins recipe. It looked simple enough but it turns out that it looked that simple because it was actually lacking some ingredients. I was halfway stirring the highly viscous batter when I realised that there were no eggs or butter listed as an ingredient in the recipe. So I put on my chef's hat (hehe) and improvised it.

And voila! It turned out pretty well. My dad actually said maybe I should have gone for hospitality instead. It tasted pretty healthy as well and it's cheap to make them! Weee! Maybe I'll suggest it to my club to sell it during our fundraising event. =)

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You know what I realised today?

I realised that if at the right moments you decide to just give others a chance to say something, it can actually result in something even better.

2.09AM

Ah, what is it about men's shirt (especially if he's yours) that feels so comfortable. The way how it just hangs loosely around your mid-thighs, being just the right length. There's this warm coziness that fills the space between your body and the shirt and it just feels so darn comfy that you want to wear it all day. Mmm.

* * *

On a side note, I am craving for Hawthorne Height's recent album, Fragile Future. I downloaded it last week and devoted several hours during the weekend going through it. And damn, I can say this one will stay as one of my top favourites.

Here's one of my favourite tracks off Fragile Future.

So I'm currently waiting for it finish downloading (again). I know it's redundant but I tend to do this alot. You know, with me sometimes being rather mentally pre-occupied, I'd forget to transfer newly downloaded files. Like how I forgot to transfer some important files I needed for my CCS assignment (which took me about an hour to download). But never mind, I spent another hour downloading it just now. Ha ha.

Hmm it seems as though I'm beginning to blog rather often now, no? Strange. But not necessarily a bad thing though. Doesn't keep me away from writing for too long a period.

* * *

I'm hungry. Didn't really have much of a dinner except for that garlic bread I bought from my workplace. Maybe I should get something to eat while waiting for Fragile Future to finish. ETA 10 minutes.

Yep. I think I will. An apple maybe. Healthier, no?

You wanna know what I feel most embarassed about myself? There are actually quite a few things but one of which I really, really, really detest is how easily I sweat. I'm seriously jealous of people who can experience heat without totally drenching themselves. Honestly, I break out in a sweat within a slightest increase in the temperature. Also not to mention when I'm nervous or in a hurry. Ugh, those are the worst. Imagine after getting showered, you immediately start sweating again because you're in a rush to somewhere. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

And then there's the full blown blush I get when I consume alcohol. Even before I finish 1 glass, I turn red. Not that I get wasted that fast, but it's always been like that. I read somewhere it's because my body cannot properly digest the alcohol or something. And it happens quite a lot to Asians. But I don't know, doesn't seem to happen that way to my friends? =/

Sigh. Ah well. I could go on forever rambling on all sorts of dissatisfactions I feel about myself. I know nobody's perfect, but why do I have to get stuck with 2 of the most embarassing flaws? Especially since I'm a girl. Ugh. I've already started sweating sitting here. Blasted weather.

Drinking Bees Essence

So as some of you might know, I have recently started my own online boutique! Woohoo! Please do check it out at http://chic-vigilante.blogspot.com. I've got lotsa unique pieces there and I'll be updating in these few days. So watch out!

Anyway, I fell sick a couple of days ago. Got the sniffles and sore throat. My mom thought I should see the doctor to confirm that it's not the piggy flu...and guess what, it wasn't. Yay, i guess?

And then my mom made me drink some sort of herbal soups and something called calamansi juice. But the worst was...the bees drink my mom made me. Yes I drank bees essence! Ugh. The drink was boiled with bees and some sort of salt.

At first when I saw these floating black thingys in the liquid, I thought it was those herbal flowers so I took a sip. I was expecting it to taste sweet but it was salty...and smelled sweet. Kinda like salted honey. So I asked my mom what it was...and she said it was bees. Only then I realised those "flowers" were actually gigantic bees!

Eeewwwwwww. *pukes*

I ran down to my dad and tried to make him persuade my mom not to let me drink. But he too said it was good for me. :( Sigh. So yes I drank bees. I can't believe it. 

Ughhh.

It's Weird

Hello there. I'm in the mid of my mid semester break. It's Sunday today and I woke up at 2pm. Niceee. ;) 

It feels weird today. Not anything physical or tangible. Just some weirdness about the day. Doesn't feel "normal." But it's not a bad weird either. Just odd.

I have this strange urge to head out somewhere today. Just go somewhere. Anywhere. I've asked my friend, but she's a bit tied up today. I even thought of driving over to his place to catch him for a few hours before he wakes up and leaves for work. But ah well, doubt my dad would be approving of it if he finds out. Sigh... "..I miss waking up next to you. (>.<)"

Hmm but another thought comes to mind now. Maybe I should go to the library. There's something about the library that is so calming and peaceful that always attracts me. I love the atmosphere, the smell of yellowed books, the pin drop silence...and basically anything to do with the library and its people... except for the blasted freezing cold air-conditioning. But still it feels like a great place to be in.

But if I should want to go there, I will have to wake my dad up from his nap to ask him. I did try just now, by prodding his arm a little, led to no avail. Maybe I should try harder, as literally poke him harder. Lol. This is such a weird post. It feels like I'm just typing out my thoughts as they come to me. Haha. Okay I'll go down and poke my dad again.

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Ah okay. I didn't poke or prod him. He woke up on his own. And yes he said I could go alone. So goodbye, I shall go to the library now.

My new haircut and hair color. You can't really see it from the pic. But it's called iridescent light brown. =)

Welcoming The New

(Note: I actually started this post more than a month ago but didn't finish it then.)

So yup, like the title suggests, I'm about embark on a short literary journey on embracing and welcoming the new. What this means is not only little things like the newest hairstyle or the newest music genre but rather the bigger, more crucial picture. Like for instance, accepting new ideologies. For many people especially those belonging in the older generation and conservative culture, accepting today's new way of thinking, ideas, opinions, lifestyle may seem absurd.

Hmm I actually got the thought of writing this when I heard my friend's, Kenneth, speech for a public speaking competition and also because of what happened in the first class of my degree programme. Kenneth's speech was basically about how many of us Malaysians still maintain a drab and backward mentality where anything of the new is seen as utterly absurd and taboo. We can't seem to appreciate novelty and apprehend just about anyone who is daring enough to step over the long-drawn line. 

We are known to thrive upon familiarity and tradition while turning our backs against the new and unfamiliar. I suppose this can be good and bad. How can this be good, you ask? Well okay, maybe not necessarily "good" but it keeps us away from deteriorating as a society. Today I learned a new word- chav. It's a term used on young people in the UK. Chavs are typically white aggressive teens who dress up in immitation branded sports or casual clothing. It is generally comparable to America's "white trash." 

Chavs only came about during the 2000s, which is very recent. Chavs are thought be some cultural evolution of some previous youth subculture like skinheads or mods. 

Anyway, back to what I mentioned earlier about the tendency of us Asians to sidestep the new yet it can be somewhat a "good" thing. The example is as above. The people of the UK and especially the US is widely known to have a very "open" mindset. Underage alcoholism, teen pregnancy and delinquency in the US and UK is not unheard of but rather common. I suppose this is due to the very free and open culture they live in.

So yes, we Asians are still not there yet but...I think we're catching up soon. Anyhow there are some things that we Asians should learn to embrace. Like the example Kenneth gave in his speech, our methods and ideas for advertising. For decades and decades, we have seen the same ideas and concepts repeated over and over again. Are we that stubborn in our ways that we perceive creativity and novelty as inappropriate? Perhaps we are afraid of what may come in the future, that too much of the new might corrupt the minds of the younger ones. But what with globalization, I have a feeling that the efforts of our elders will be futile. Although small but there are evident advancements in our Asian society, people are becoming more daring in voicing out and expressing their ideas. We are stepping out of our comfort zone to explore the new and make something of it. But at the same time, we cannot deny that times are getting bad these days. The worst side of human beings are surfacing everyday. Perhaps it's a plus minus thing, where with the good comes the bad.

I don't know...we will know soon eh? 

[Alright, I'm running out of things to say already. So I'm gonna leave it at that. Til' the next post then.]

I Wish...

What's happening to me? Where has it all gone to?

Where was I? How did I get here?

Why so?

Sigh.

I wish I never lost it. The yearning...and the enthusiaism.

I need inspiration. Desperately. Or...I'm gonna hate what's gonna happen. 

Dissapointment

If I ever to name one of the worst ever emotion to feel, it would be disappointment. I think almost everyone dread having to feel disappointed - whether with ourselves or others. It happens when our actions or those of others were unexpected. It comes as a sort of heavy, dreaded feeling of hoping what just happened is not actually real, but you know that it is pointless to hope.

I have felt disappointed at myself for countless times. Especially after exams. There would be this annoying heavy feeling that would pull me down by reminding me of how I should have worked harder. Usually, it'll bother me for a while before I finally learn to accept and get over it.

Many people actually think that self-disappointment is a much harder blow to endure than feeling disappointed with others. But I beg to differ. This is because I think that even when you feel disappointed with yourself, there is a chance for you to encourage yourself to not do it again. Whereas with others, you can't actually decide their further behaviour. It's like something beyond your control. And sometimes you can't get over it. Because with yourself, you tend to love yourself more and that makes it easier to let the disappointment go, unlike with others.

Sigh well it's not a very rewarding feeling. To feel let down or disappointed by someone - your friend, loved one or  even a stranger. You really just wish that things didn't happen that way. But then again, should you really care? Does it really concern you? Perhaps...and perhaps not. Sometimes I think it's better to just ignore and live your own life.

That's it, mind my own business. 

It's All About Sharing

Like many of my other posts here, this is something which suddenly occured to me some weeks ago and then I forgot about it for a while before it came back to me again. I think I should make it a habit to carry around a notepad and pen with me so that when I get a sudden epiphany or realisation I can jot it down. Trust me, there are countless times when I get sudden flashes of thoughts and had to let it go because I didn't have anywhere to write them. And these kinda thoughts usually come and go just as quickly.

Anyway, for this time it's gonna be about why do we study things which would not be necessary for our usage in the future. I know, being a student myself, many other students do not see the reason why we have to learn anything beyond basic maths and calculations or the process of rainfall. We think that if it does not contribute to anything we do in the future, why bother?

But then I realised that it's not really so much about whether we will or not use it. Rather it's very much in relation with how we human beings like to show and tell others about something we have discovered. Just think about it, let's say you made an incredible discovery about something which has yet to be learnt by others. Wouldn't you want others to acknowledge your findings and have them see things the way you did? Wouldn't you want to pass on the knowledge you have gained? Yes! Of course you would.

So that pretty much explains why we need to learn about the Pythagoras Theory or Newton's Laws of Motion. These people have made great discoveries and believe that others should know about it too. At this point, some might think, "Like I care what he discovered! It has nothing to do with me!" Just stop for a moment and remind yourself that it is in our nature to want to tell the whole world about our accomplisments. Hence, quit resenting our school teachers for teaching us something that might have zero practicality in the future. I know it's hard learning something which does not involve your interests but have an open mind. It does not hurt to know a little more knowledge.

Sense of Appreciation

Ah, Valentine's Day. The occasion many have said has become way too commercialised to take it too seriously. But I beg to differ. I think the existence of Valentine's Day is good in a way that it actually reminds us that sometimes being in love may cause you to do all sorts of things (including spending a hefty sum of money buying dozens roses and extravagant dinners =P). 

It actually gives people a reason to make extra effort to create a little excitement or difference in their relationship. But of course, it is not necessarily wise to spend too much money just for one particular day and forgot about the reason the next day. It should be spent just like any other day just with a little added time and maybe some money.

For this year's Valentine's, I've spent it with the same person I celebrated with last year. We both agreed that it shouldn't only be the guy doing everything and paying for the meals. Hence, both of us had prepared presents for each other and paid our equal share of the meal.

I made for my Teddy Bear a handmade card which took hours to complete and also I got him a customised bath towel with a picture and his name embroided on it.

On the other hand, he got me flowers even though I told him before this that I do not want flowers as they are so overpriced and wilt the next day. But still it was nice to receive flowers, I mean I'm a girl aren't I? =P And knowing how much I love stuff like pastries and cheese, he ordered a boxful of customised cheese tarts for me. Yeah, I know even though he said the baker failed at making it looking presentable, it still tasted good. So I'm happy he brought me food. =D

Anyway, after that we drove up to Genting to have a lovely lunch buffet and spend some time up there, just the two of us. I had a great time, it felt different being up there with him. Like it was only the two of us, away from familiar surroundings and people. It was pure quality time spent together.

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All of this just reminds me how happy and grateful I am to have you. I truly appreciate your being in my life and how certain parts of you have grown on me. So many things, little or big, that I do now are influenced by you. If I were to list down a few, it would be like:

1. How I tend to be attracted to panda bears now. =P

2. How I never used to like iced lemon tea until I met you.

3. Eclipse (the mint).

4. Watching movies in the cinema.

5. The little swerves you do while driving (when it's safe of course).

And many more....

Basically, the way I think, do things, talk or the words I use have something in it which reminds me of you. It's almost 2 years since we started and until now I can say that everyday feels different with you.

Contentment

Many times in my life, this very particular question would run through my mind:

"Are you happy?"

And every single time somewhere deep inside me, I would reply yes.

That question does not represent the emotions you feel at any specific moment in life but rather a single emotion that summarises how you think of your entire life. For me, I've never had any major complains about my life. I rarely allow myself to scrutinise things in life in order to find faults and then get upset over it. In my observation, I notice that many people tend to do so even unintentionally. They like to pick the lowest points in their lives and focus on it thus emerging with the statement, "I hate my life" , "My life sucks."

True, sometimes people use those statements just as a figure of speech or just to intentionally amplify and exaggerate the situation they're facing. But then again, sometimes what you say may have an indirect influence on how you actually feel or think. Unconsciously, you may tend to focus more on the negative aspects of life. Hence, it may cause you to feel dissatisfaction about life when in fact you shouldn't feel that way.

Perhaps one of the reason why I never feel negative about life is due to how I was brought up. It may sound unrelating, but when I was young my mom told me not to use the word "hate" because it has very extreme negative associations. And being a little girl whose mind (is not was =P) like a sponge, I took that to heart. Maybe if you do know me in real life, you might notice that I very rarely, possibly never, use the word "hate." 

So I guess that helped made me cautious about doing things. I don't let myself be bothered by little flawed details that actually doesn't really matter. Thus, that always makes me look on the brighter side of things. =) 

(Sorry Angie, I stole that pic from your blog. Don't know where the copy I had went =P.)

First post of 2009

Hurrah! Finally I am updating my blog after what? Three months? Lol. Ah well, what does it matter.

Anyway, it's a brand new year for me. I practically watched 2008 fly by me and I can already feel 2009 gearing up for yet another full-fledged flight. In other words, I think 2009 will pass by really fast.

Why do I say so? Well I suppose it's because I'm starting my 3-year degree course end of February and I have been hearing from my seniors that it's tough and really time-consuming. But the holidays are pretty long though, about 2 months though I think most probably during then I'd be interning at various advertising, PR and media companies. Fun, eh? (yeah, right.)

So back to what I wanted to say is that...I miss having time. But ironic thing is, when I have time I don't know what to do with it. It's something like I see free time as something so precious and irreplaceable that I don't want to waste time doing something I would regret. But the time I used to decide what is best to do, takes up most of my free time. Get what I mean? I think you would.

You know the other day I was out with some college friends and it suddenly occured to me that I never notice crows as much as I did before? Silly as it may sound, it is not. It just made me realise that as we grow older our ability or should I say willingness to notice things around us, declines. I think the reason to this is because we have so many other things to focus on like college or work. 

I actually feel sad about this. I miss all the times when I was younger and would feel so excited when Christmas or Chinese New Year is coming. When we're older, we don't feel as excited as we did anymore. It's just sad, isn't it?

However, I don't think this is something we can change. It's a part of growing up. But I do think we can try to take notice of more things around us. What's the point of doing that, you ask? Hmm...I guess it will remind you that there are so many other things going on other than your busy schedule. Just take some time off and go get fascinated by things which once fascinated you when you were younger. It'll be worth the time.