So here I am at a whole different place where I shall begin my tertiary education. Today's my first day and I already can feel the difference. This is the chance where I can really start afresh. I've already set mental goals and trying to change certain unsatisfactory attitudes in myself.
Anyway, at the moment my place does not have the required Internet connection yet so I'm stealing some from Teddy's place for a while. So I guess I won't be able to update this in a while. =)
For those curious about my SPM results, I got 8As. Managed to get partial scholarship with it. My parents were practically in tears of joy. Lol. Ah well...now I've eased part of the educational burden, they're pretty thankful that I did managed to get scholarship. Mmm...so this is where I embark on a new journey I guess. =)
This Is For You
(Sorry I didn't include a proper title. I shall let the entire post speak for itself.)
Hot tears sting the back of my eyes. How I wish I wasn't this emotional. PMS played a huge role in this but there's also a little part which I know isn't to be blamed on these monthly hormonal "attacks." It's the part where the real emotional and overreacting me comes in.
That real part is kinda new to me because so far I have never met with such...unwelcoming feelings before. It only started recently, and the person with me when it started is him. The good part about these feelings are that if it were to start when I am with him then it means that his presence in my life exhibits a very significant puzzle piece in my jigsaw puzzle of a life.
I would say in most of my previous relationships I was like the "guy" in a relationship. I was like that too at the beginning of this one with him. Phone calls, text messages, little expressions of love would all be initiated by the guy. I was...I would say stubborn. I didn't want to admit and show how much I really miss that person. I rarely expressed how I felt for someone publicly on the Internet. I was embarrassed. Yes, I was that type of person. I was the cool and passive one who would always wait for the other party to make the first move.
But then he came. At first, I admit I thought it would be like previous relationships and yes I mistook him as any other normal guy. However, when other parties came into the picture I then realised the unnoticed chemistry I had with him. There was this complete chemistry thing. What I mean by that is there's chemistry when talking online and talking on the phone.
So when I saw my mistake and made a decision to ensure that there will only him and I, I slowly fell deeper into what most people would call love. And from there I learnt how it is to really commit to someone. It was hard at first because I was so used to being the cool and passive one. I would always wait for the other person to sms/call/message first. But with him, I just let everything go and let whatever feelings take me.
At first, all went so well. I thought that maybe heaven had moved its position to right where I am. I never felt so contented being with one person in my entire life spent on Earth. It's like he had it all, nothing I'm unbearably unhappy with, parents like him, my dog loves him and friends think he's nice. It was just an awesome status and situation to be in.
Then lately, I think I'm slowly turning to be like the typical "girl" in a relationship. And I'm scared of that. Because the reason he fell for me was that I didn't appear to be any typical girl. Right now, I'm getting so emotional over little things. I've been overreacting a lot hence most of our previous arguments. I feel like I'm falling into the wrong deep end of love. As if the moment long ago when I completely let myself go into this hole called "love", I really did let everything go. I didn't take care to be aware which deep end of love I was falling into.
Emotions are so spilling over the top now and its a mixture of good and bad emotions. And the strength of these emotions are strong. Sometimes I feel I can't control them and just let them take over. That's where the insecurities, overreacting, flashes of temper and tears come in. I'm beginning to fear that it's going to get on his nerves. I know guys dislike it when their girls start acting peevish and spoiled. And I myself had tried hard not to let myself turn into those girls because they were the very reasons why boyfriends got sick of their girlfriends.
And what's worse? I'm turning into like them! I'm becoming clingy and spoiled. I get mad when I find out he actually is doing something else while talking to me. I mean in my head I'm pretty rational, I know it is definitely NOT right for me to get mad but in my heart I am more emotional than rational and because my heart has been growing faster than my brain, so it overrides the power of the brain to process a situation beforehand. It's a tad slower than my heart so only after the emotions have subsided my brain realises what a disaster my heart has made. A few times it put whatever great things I had with him teetering over the edge of the cliff overlooking the sea of break-ups.
Fortunately, I saw to my ways of error and made up for it. But the same thing happens every single time and I'm really starting to wonder if maybe one day the thread snaps due to the tension. And it will be because of me. It's really strange it started out with him sacrificing so much to be with me because he saw the perfection in me and at that moment like I thought he was just any other guy. However, now it seems like I'm turning out to be just any other girl and the perfection in him just shines.
It's like I'm turning into a different person when I'm with him. Before that I was known to be a very composed person. I do not show excessive emotions even if I am really feeling dejected and miserable. But then referring to what I said above, the reason why these rash emotions came in is because I finally let myself sink completely into someone's arms. He had the key to the locked doors that led to so many great and not so great feelings.
And when we argue he yells and curses. He's not afraid to hurt me unlike other guys who take all the blame and spoil the girl. He stops me and tells me directly what I'd done wrong. I would act all defensive and blame everyone one else except myself. But he would stand his ground and help me realise my flaws. Even though he lost his temper and yelled at me, in the end he would always forgive my mistakes and apologised even though it was my fault. Now, that is truly unconditional love. And for that I love him to bits, my Teddy.
Hot tears sting the back of my eyes. How I wish I wasn't this emotional. PMS played a huge role in this but there's also a little part which I know isn't to be blamed on these monthly hormonal "attacks." It's the part where the real emotional and overreacting me comes in.
That real part is kinda new to me because so far I have never met with such...unwelcoming feelings before. It only started recently, and the person with me when it started is him. The good part about these feelings are that if it were to start when I am with him then it means that his presence in my life exhibits a very significant puzzle piece in my jigsaw puzzle of a life.
I would say in most of my previous relationships I was like the "guy" in a relationship. I was like that too at the beginning of this one with him. Phone calls, text messages, little expressions of love would all be initiated by the guy. I was...I would say stubborn. I didn't want to admit and show how much I really miss that person. I rarely expressed how I felt for someone publicly on the Internet. I was embarrassed. Yes, I was that type of person. I was the cool and passive one who would always wait for the other party to make the first move.
But then he came. At first, I admit I thought it would be like previous relationships and yes I mistook him as any other normal guy. However, when other parties came into the picture I then realised the unnoticed chemistry I had with him. There was this complete chemistry thing. What I mean by that is there's chemistry when talking online and talking on the phone.
So when I saw my mistake and made a decision to ensure that there will only him and I, I slowly fell deeper into what most people would call love. And from there I learnt how it is to really commit to someone. It was hard at first because I was so used to being the cool and passive one. I would always wait for the other person to sms/call/message first. But with him, I just let everything go and let whatever feelings take me.
At first, all went so well. I thought that maybe heaven had moved its position to right where I am. I never felt so contented being with one person in my entire life spent on Earth. It's like he had it all, nothing I'm unbearably unhappy with, parents like him, my dog loves him and friends think he's nice. It was just an awesome status and situation to be in.
Then lately, I think I'm slowly turning to be like the typical "girl" in a relationship. And I'm scared of that. Because the reason he fell for me was that I didn't appear to be any typical girl. Right now, I'm getting so emotional over little things. I've been overreacting a lot hence most of our previous arguments. I feel like I'm falling into the wrong deep end of love. As if the moment long ago when I completely let myself go into this hole called "love", I really did let everything go. I didn't take care to be aware which deep end of love I was falling into.
Emotions are so spilling over the top now and its a mixture of good and bad emotions. And the strength of these emotions are strong. Sometimes I feel I can't control them and just let them take over. That's where the insecurities, overreacting, flashes of temper and tears come in. I'm beginning to fear that it's going to get on his nerves. I know guys dislike it when their girls start acting peevish and spoiled. And I myself had tried hard not to let myself turn into those girls because they were the very reasons why boyfriends got sick of their girlfriends.
And what's worse? I'm turning into like them! I'm becoming clingy and spoiled. I get mad when I find out he actually is doing something else while talking to me. I mean in my head I'm pretty rational, I know it is definitely NOT right for me to get mad but in my heart I am more emotional than rational and because my heart has been growing faster than my brain, so it overrides the power of the brain to process a situation beforehand. It's a tad slower than my heart so only after the emotions have subsided my brain realises what a disaster my heart has made. A few times it put whatever great things I had with him teetering over the edge of the cliff overlooking the sea of break-ups.
Fortunately, I saw to my ways of error and made up for it. But the same thing happens every single time and I'm really starting to wonder if maybe one day the thread snaps due to the tension. And it will be because of me. It's really strange it started out with him sacrificing so much to be with me because he saw the perfection in me and at that moment like I thought he was just any other guy. However, now it seems like I'm turning out to be just any other girl and the perfection in him just shines.
It's like I'm turning into a different person when I'm with him. Before that I was known to be a very composed person. I do not show excessive emotions even if I am really feeling dejected and miserable. But then referring to what I said above, the reason why these rash emotions came in is because I finally let myself sink completely into someone's arms. He had the key to the locked doors that led to so many great and not so great feelings.
And when we argue he yells and curses. He's not afraid to hurt me unlike other guys who take all the blame and spoil the girl. He stops me and tells me directly what I'd done wrong. I would act all defensive and blame everyone one else except myself. But he would stand his ground and help me realise my flaws. Even though he lost his temper and yelled at me, in the end he would always forgive my mistakes and apologised even though it was my fault. Now, that is truly unconditional love. And for that I love him to bits, my Teddy.
