To put it blatantly, I'm terrified

I realized that it is the easiest for me to blog when I'm left completely alone in the room. Like now for instance. I suppose the quietness allows my thoughts to resonate purposefully without being diverted or distracted.

You know my parents have always been pretty hard on pushing us to strive to be the best but at the same time they will also remind us that they will always be someone out there better than us. Hmm...discouraging and contradicting, much? But anyhow, I don't see why we still should not try and perform our very best.

So yeah, in high school, I was pretty much among the top 10s or so especially in English, which my Dad is really particularly proud of. Sometimes he does it so often that I feel embarassed about it. Lol. But no that's not the bad thing.

The bad thing is, when I came to college, it didn't take me long to find myself struggling to be one of the best. And I don't think I've achieved it. Yet. I hope.

It just demoralizes me each time when I find out I'm lagging quite some way behind the better ones. And not too mention I feel like the dumbest among the other TWC Scholarship recipients. At times, I feel the pressure of the expectations placed upon me by so many people - lecturers, friends, parents and also the advertising company that is supposed to provide me with my very first job upon graduation. Every semester, they'll be updated with my progress in both academic and co-curricular terms. That itself is a very terrifying thought. =/

Honestly, I do feel that the subjects I have now is wayyy different and possibly harder than say subjects of maths and sciences. Why do I say this? Simply because most of the solutions in maths and science subjects are already pre-determined. It is pure objective facts and answers. 2+2 will always equals to 4 no matter who is the person answering it. Whereas in the subjects I do, most of the time the answers are very subjective. Scoring high marks will depend on how well you present your points and way of seeing things. Having perfect grammar and good command of English will only help to a certain extent. The rest is different. It depends on how good a communicator you are.

And that is where I think I'm lacking in. I was based on a maths and science background. I tend to see things one-way. My mind is very, very logically structured. But at the same time, I detest the maths and sciences. I believe I am flawed in that sense where I am not able see and write things on a more open end. However, I do think that since I am aware of my flaws there is a chance for me to improve on it though a lot of hard work and effort will be required.

The thing is, am I ready for it? Am I ready to spend hours reading and analysing proper references? Do I have the determination to do so?

Hmm I think I have spent more time than I should on enjoyment. I have been far too laid-back. Foundation year was a breeze and clearly degree is not the same. Time to step my game up. I already have the proper language tools, so might as well make the most of it. =)