Another blog, another me

In case you don't know, I already have one in Friendster which I've been using for more than a year. But since I found out that my mind works in a way similar to an intellectual's mind (maybe not entirely the same), I felt that it incumbent upon myself that I create a new blog where I could freely write about the ever increasing thoughts in my mind. Somehow, I find the blog in Friendster erm...difficult for me to express my thoughts. Maybe it's the colors, or the layout or the fact that it's a "Friendster" blog. Anyhow, it somehow restricts the flow of my creative juices.

I have split personalities. Well, not exactly split personalites but something close enough to that. Many and perhaps all people I know in real life only see the superficial me. Even my best friends, they don't see me the way I am now. Perhaps only a hint of it. Most people regard me as any other typical quite, shy and timid girl. Maybe it might be because I chose to be discreet about the inner me.

People love being superficial. They put a barrier between their deeper, more conscious selves and their superficial selves. I personally don't believe that any person can be as shallow as to how they present themselves. Maybe they find it hard to express themselves and then chose to act the way they are acting now because they find it much easier. I know that because sometimes I think I am like that. I'm afraid that people will take me as someone weird and unfitting. It really sucks when you happen to be marginalized just because the way your mind work is different from the others. I've been told many times by many people that I always "think too much", or "think way out of the box". Sometimes I feel hurt that people judge me just by the way I think. I mean I'm sorry if I don't happen to be as apathetic as you are. I just can't help being the way I am. I didn't beg to have all these thoughts put into my head. Sometimes I find it rather disturbing to have so many questions and ideas swimming around the pool of thoughts in my head.

I wasn't like this a year before. Maybe I was, but not like this. Since I was very young, I've always had this feeling that I might be different. I always wondered "why me?". I felt as if I was chosen for something which I have no clue about (please don't take this too seriously, this was something that was going through 7-year-old girl's mind). I used to think that everyone else thought the way I thought and when I tried to talk to them about it, they'll just be silent and look at me quietly. I then learned that showing your true self might result in people thinking you're weird.

So then, I started developing this other character in me. The one's that the total opposite of me when I'm alone and free to be myself. In front of others I'm like mask acting, the only expressions they can see is whatever that's being portrayed by my mask. But behind the mask is what they truly failed to see. That's how people judge me now. By the mask I put on.

However, as I grew older and gained maturity, I felt the need to assert myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this to elicit attention from people who once disregarded me. I'm doing this for myself. It helps me in a way that I get to write about the ideas or emotions that has been held inside for a very long time. Through writing I'm able to express myself the best. I've discovered that in me a long time ago. I still remember the time when I first told my dad that I wanted to try my hand at writing. I was about 8 or 9 and by then I had started reading R.L Stine's Goosebumps books. Reading those books gave me various ideas and plots to start writing my own stories. I learnt that I could write easily, without the need to sit down and plan how every little detail in the story goes. My hand would just move continuously across the paper as ideas spontaneously form in my mind. Since then, I've always used writing as a way to express myself. I believe that everyone should find a way to express themselves. It needn't be through writing, it could be through drawing or composing songs or whatever suits them. On the other hand, I think people should be chary with their thoughts too. Because we can't expect every single person out there to respect your thoughts and opinions. We live in a place where society thrives upon even the tiniest opportunity to flame/bash/slam/criticize/inferiorate others. I mean yeah, people respect honesty but if you have to be brutally honest about certain things, be sure not to generalize people. It's never good to do that, people HATE being classified into categories.


Anyway, let us go back to the original topic: why on Earth did I want a separate blog. You know, how people (usually elders) say that during adolescence is the time where we are trying to find ourselves? I used to think that was total tosh. I guess it's probably because I didn't fully understand the meaning of "finding ourselves". I mean how can only 16 years of breathing gain you enough experience to say that you've managed to find out who you are. I only assumed that it was nonsense and took no notice of it. Until now that is. In ways I cannot articulate, it just struck me one day not so long ago that I've finally "found" myself. The feeling's indescribably good, you feel as though you've ascended way above others who's still dwelling within their own world. Before this, I was a little lost, I had no clue of what I'm supposed to do (I'm being unspecific here). Goals, purposes, objectives matter very much to me. I cannot live without goals or purposes. Previously, it was all about passing exams, achieving the ideal weight, acquiring your most favourable items, et cetera et cetera. But now it's different, I can't really put it into words...it's like you finally uncover the reason you are here. Your purpose in life. Sort of.


This is turning into some lengthy, rambling, boring old professor's biography. I'll use that as my alibi to leave my post hanging right here after the fullstop. Period.