Less than a week ago we celebrated our 51st Independence Day on 31st August. Like every year, throngs of people gather at designated places that have been set up to celebrate our independence. We see people pack themselves in a car and deliberately put themselves in such inconvenience when going through the horrible traffic jam that KL is known for. We see them push their way through the tight crowd of sweaty people and stand there for hours waiting to see the fireworks. Such a distressing and uncomfortable situation to be in. But people still do it. Why?
There is a term for this where the people of a country put themselves all together just for one cause. It's called nationalism. However, if you were to use that for the opening vignette above, you are very mistaken.
Recently I did a video documentary for one of my assignments in which I asked people if they would die for their country. The answer is a no-brainer, very obviously a "No." And then one of my college clubs did another event in conjunction with our Independence Day where we ask people to write something about Malaysia and stick on a board. In the beginning, we were all pretty excited and gung-ho about it. But very soon we lost that. Due to how everyone we asked had absolutely nothing good to say about Malaysia. Hey, it's not that I love Malaysia so much, I wouldn't die for Malaysia but still I don't hate Malaysia that much. These people talk of Malaysia like it is the worst sh*t hole to be in. I mean come on, it isn't that bad right.
But anyway, people don't have such negative feelings for nothing. I feel that Malaysia is (or going to) experiencing a political upheavel. Everything is in such a mess. Not to mention how much money is channeled towards corruption. It has been more than half a century since we have gained independence and I would say we have not grown very much. Many of the people feel unwanted to be in the country and have such a strong sense of disbelonging.
It is just so sad. That even foreigners actually feel sorry for us.
Yep. We're living in a country that doesn't want us here. How depressing can we be. =/
Not Gonna Look Back
Before I enrolled into college, many of my older friends who are or have been to college tell me that when in college I would definitely miss high school. They would tell me how stressful and tiring it is to be in college. At that time, I had almost no idea what college life would be like so I thought that maybe college is scary.
On 24th March 2008, I started my very first day at college. I remember the few days before I was pretty anxious and nervous. Some people seemed to have given me the impression that girls studying mass communication are known to be er...vicious. But hey, even before the first week ended, I landed myself in a circle of friends whom we have come to be quite close till now. So then I thought, maybe college isn't that bad.
However, there was another thing. During my primary and high school life, most of the years I would say I was close to being "shunted aside." It was quite rare that people would cast a third glance at me, (there would be a second glance because I was quite chubby back then.) It wasn't until the last few years at high school when I lost some weight and my confidence level shot up quite a bit. Still, it is hard to suddenly change overnight when the last decade or so you've been strongly associated with the adjectives "quiet", "shy" and "timid."
Due to that, I was really looking forward to college as a chance for me to start over afresh. I was much more confident in myself with the extra weight gone and pretty good SPM results in my name. Also, I was gonna meet a whole bunch of people who have no idea of who I am in the past. The very thought of that gave me a feeling that consists of a mixture of confidence, excitement and readiness to prove myself to everyone. Hence, that gave me all the assurance I needed to apply for a full scholarship offered by Taylor's. That bit of confidence and assurance gave me the will to really put effort into the essay and presentation and interview. And hey, I did get the full scholarship. Previously though, if we were to go back many years in time, I wouldn't have possessed the courage to do so. Not to even try. Yeah, I was that pathetic.
Besides that, in college I have the opportunity to spread out and be active. In fact, right now I'm in 6 clubs and associations at college. Although only 2 of the clubs have been busy lately, the rest are pretty much quiet. But even then, I have had my hands full for the past few weeks with club activities and workshops. I love being involved in things. Some people feel that it is such a bother and hassle to join clubs. To me, it is the opposite. I never had the chance during high school, so I am taking the chance now at college.
Some of my now college friends tell me that they miss high school. Maybe it was because they had something to look back at during high school. But not for me.
On 24th March 2008, I started my very first day at college. I remember the few days before I was pretty anxious and nervous. Some people seemed to have given me the impression that girls studying mass communication are known to be er...vicious. But hey, even before the first week ended, I landed myself in a circle of friends whom we have come to be quite close till now. So then I thought, maybe college isn't that bad.
However, there was another thing. During my primary and high school life, most of the years I would say I was close to being "shunted aside." It was quite rare that people would cast a third glance at me, (there would be a second glance because I was quite chubby back then.) It wasn't until the last few years at high school when I lost some weight and my confidence level shot up quite a bit. Still, it is hard to suddenly change overnight when the last decade or so you've been strongly associated with the adjectives "quiet", "shy" and "timid."
Due to that, I was really looking forward to college as a chance for me to start over afresh. I was much more confident in myself with the extra weight gone and pretty good SPM results in my name. Also, I was gonna meet a whole bunch of people who have no idea of who I am in the past. The very thought of that gave me a feeling that consists of a mixture of confidence, excitement and readiness to prove myself to everyone. Hence, that gave me all the assurance I needed to apply for a full scholarship offered by Taylor's. That bit of confidence and assurance gave me the will to really put effort into the essay and presentation and interview. And hey, I did get the full scholarship. Previously though, if we were to go back many years in time, I wouldn't have possessed the courage to do so. Not to even try. Yeah, I was that pathetic.
Besides that, in college I have the opportunity to spread out and be active. In fact, right now I'm in 6 clubs and associations at college. Although only 2 of the clubs have been busy lately, the rest are pretty much quiet. But even then, I have had my hands full for the past few weeks with club activities and workshops. I love being involved in things. Some people feel that it is such a bother and hassle to join clubs. To me, it is the opposite. I never had the chance during high school, so I am taking the chance now at college.
Some of my now college friends tell me that they miss high school. Maybe it was because they had something to look back at during high school. But not for me.
Being Critical Of Others
For all the recent years of my life, I developed a character which I believe would put a fairly large dent onto my "sweet and nice" personality. A few years ago I realised how critical of a person I can be. I would always have something negative to say about someone's idea, suggestion, opinion or just something they said. Then one of my friend subtly let out that it can be pretty unpleasant, so I decided I would really have to suppress all these urges to criticize everything.
But lately, I think I'm being like that again. I say almost everything on my mind without thinking twice that it might perhaps annoy the other person. Sometimes I just can't control it and it just slips out of my mouth. Only after I said it, I regret.
I suppose there are many things which triggers me into my critical mode. One of them is hypocrisy. I cannot tolerate hypocrites. I really, really do not like it when people say one thing, but does another. I mean, say what you mean, and do what you mean. Oh and also fickle and indecisive people. Like when arguing, at the beginning they will be arguing one point but somewhere in the middle they changed course and end up backing up something else. I don't know but it just ticks me off that people cannot stand by their original arguing point.
You know some part of the saying "like father, like son" is true. My parents are pretty competitive and critical people. I get annoyed when they behave like that to me. But when I am with others, I behave that way as well. At first I did not realise it until it came to a certain point when other people started saying something. It's a scary thought, that someday perhaps I won't have any friends because of my critical attitude. =/
Sigh. I suppose I should take a day or two to sink into deep thought about this and then stop criticizing other people's ideas, suggestions or thoughts. It pretty much puts people off. Yep, with parents I should know. The weird thing is I don't get like that with them, probably because they're like that too. The only person I don't get critical with is my Teddy, not that I'm bias or anything but he makes me feel so relax and I can talk just about anything to him. Yep, he's that great. =D
Ah well, that doesn't mean I should not change. Nothing wrong in trying to improve yourself. =)
But lately, I think I'm being like that again. I say almost everything on my mind without thinking twice that it might perhaps annoy the other person. Sometimes I just can't control it and it just slips out of my mouth. Only after I said it, I regret.
I suppose there are many things which triggers me into my critical mode. One of them is hypocrisy. I cannot tolerate hypocrites. I really, really do not like it when people say one thing, but does another. I mean, say what you mean, and do what you mean. Oh and also fickle and indecisive people. Like when arguing, at the beginning they will be arguing one point but somewhere in the middle they changed course and end up backing up something else. I don't know but it just ticks me off that people cannot stand by their original arguing point.
You know some part of the saying "like father, like son" is true. My parents are pretty competitive and critical people. I get annoyed when they behave like that to me. But when I am with others, I behave that way as well. At first I did not realise it until it came to a certain point when other people started saying something. It's a scary thought, that someday perhaps I won't have any friends because of my critical attitude. =/
Sigh. I suppose I should take a day or two to sink into deep thought about this and then stop criticizing other people's ideas, suggestions or thoughts. It pretty much puts people off. Yep, with parents I should know. The weird thing is I don't get like that with them, probably because they're like that too. The only person I don't get critical with is my Teddy, not that I'm bias or anything but he makes me feel so relax and I can talk just about anything to him. Yep, he's that great. =D
Ah well, that doesn't mean I should not change. Nothing wrong in trying to improve yourself. =)
"Kids" and "Ken Park"
During the past few days, I took the time to watch these 2 films which was said to be very controversial and banned in several countries. Both are by same the same director Larry Clark. I doubt many have seen or even heard of his movies. Well to begin, Larry Clark's movies all share some common aspects:
1. Teenage sex
2. Teenage drug abuse
3. Teenage violence
....
....
Practically everything about teenage issues. Most of the characters in his movies are underaged. And his movies are very, very, VERY explicit. Especially one of the two I watched, Ken Park. Almost throughout the entire movie there's bound to be some sort of naked/sexual scene. Some of them are really unnecessary. What's the point of putting in so much? I mean who wants to see a guy pee?
Larry probably did it to garner attention. When his movies get banned, people would be curious and intrigued to download it (like me for instance). The two movies I watched were Kids and Ken Park.
Kids wasn't really very explicit though it was very close to the border of being called child porn. Most the movie is about young teens getting involved with illegal drug usage, smoking marijuana, stealing, physical violence, date-rape, unprotected sex and etc. After watched Kids I had a kind of disturbing and sad feeling over me. I would say the movie is very "in your face", it's very real. It's pretty much exactly the same as what's been going on so far. It's just sad.
And then today I watched Ken Park, it's pretty much the same as Kids except for the very graphic sex scenes. It's about stories from 4 different teenagers who lived in the same town. I think Ken Park is somewhat...milder than Kids. I didn't find it as disturbing and scary as Kids. The movie ends with a scene which I think would leave the audience with a weird feeling. It came to me as a slight surprise and just weird.
I think people who aren't narrow minded should watch these 2 movies. Not to pick up the bad influences but just to receive a wake up call to the world. These movies will not go very well with people who are easily influenced by the media. They'll most probably start thinking like the characters in the movies, that no one understands them or can accept them. Watch the movies with an open and rational mind.
However, judging from the movies Larry Clark made, I would say he is a pervert. Lol yeah. He always has to put some sex scenes into his movies. But don't let the explicit scenes bother you, look beyond it, there's something in the movies that's gonna talk right back to you.
P.S. You can let me know if you're interested to watch these movies, I can let you know where to find them. ;)
1. Teenage sex
2. Teenage drug abuse
3. Teenage violence
....
....
Practically everything about teenage issues. Most of the characters in his movies are underaged. And his movies are very, very, VERY explicit. Especially one of the two I watched, Ken Park. Almost throughout the entire movie there's bound to be some sort of naked/sexual scene. Some of them are really unnecessary. What's the point of putting in so much? I mean who wants to see a guy pee?
Larry probably did it to garner attention. When his movies get banned, people would be curious and intrigued to download it (like me for instance). The two movies I watched were Kids and Ken Park.
Kids wasn't really very explicit though it was very close to the border of being called child porn. Most the movie is about young teens getting involved with illegal drug usage, smoking marijuana, stealing, physical violence, date-rape, unprotected sex and etc. After watched Kids I had a kind of disturbing and sad feeling over me. I would say the movie is very "in your face", it's very real. It's pretty much exactly the same as what's been going on so far. It's just sad.
And then today I watched Ken Park, it's pretty much the same as Kids except for the very graphic sex scenes. It's about stories from 4 different teenagers who lived in the same town. I think Ken Park is somewhat...milder than Kids. I didn't find it as disturbing and scary as Kids. The movie ends with a scene which I think would leave the audience with a weird feeling. It came to me as a slight surprise and just weird.
I think people who aren't narrow minded should watch these 2 movies. Not to pick up the bad influences but just to receive a wake up call to the world. These movies will not go very well with people who are easily influenced by the media. They'll most probably start thinking like the characters in the movies, that no one understands them or can accept them. Watch the movies with an open and rational mind.
However, judging from the movies Larry Clark made, I would say he is a pervert. Lol yeah. He always has to put some sex scenes into his movies. But don't let the explicit scenes bother you, look beyond it, there's something in the movies that's gonna talk right back to you.
P.S. You can let me know if you're interested to watch these movies, I can let you know where to find them. ;)
Things I REALLY Cannot Live Without
You know those pointless surveys you fill out for fun on online bulletin boards or personal blogs? Sometimes you come across questions like "List top 5 things you totally can't live without"? Yeah, the popular answers are:
1) Mobile phone
2) Internet
3) Music
4) Alcohol
5) Hot girls/boys
6) Computer games
And whatever things that some people really take for granted.
It was a few nights ago that this thought struck me. The things that I actually DO need in everyday. It's just so typical nowadays, everyone are so into the materialistic world. We just don't see those little things that help us get through every single day.
The thing that got me thinking about this is toothpaste. I'm serious. I was in the bathroom going to brush my teeth and I was a little annoyed 'coz the tube of toothpaste was almost finished and I had to squeeze all the way from the bottom. It was then that I realised "Hey, what would I do without toothpaste?"
So yeah, the same goes for everyone. I bet some of you reading this just realised it too. That toothpaste actually helps you get through your days. I don't know though but there are some people who couldn't be bothered to brush their teeth, trust me I really do know someone like this. But generally yeah, you'd feel you haven't completed your day if you hadn't brushed your teeth.
Another thing which I feel is really important, is a mirror. I know most guys are gonna get on the case of girls being vain and yada yada yada. But again, I trust almost none of you can get through your days without looking at a mirror. It's just natural reflex that whenever you pass by a mirror or reflective surface you'd have to turn and look. I believe that is good to some point. Of course doing anything excessively is never good. However, I do think that when people look at mirrors, they just care about themselves and don't want to look like they've been through a tornado. It's just love for themselves. =)
Then the next thing which I feel is essential in life is communication technology. By this I mean phones, Internet, radio, television and etc.. And no not in the way where for some people "sms-ing" and "chatting online" is a hobby of theirs. What I mean is how useful it actually is. I mean just imagine not being able to do any of those things. And again not in like "WTFOMG NO SMS-ING??!!" but like we have no way to communicate with each other. Technically, we would just shrivel up and die. (Actually studying the field of communication at college now really made me realised how communication is much more than just "sms-ing" or "mms" or "chatting on MSN.")
Lastly, I think everyone would agree with me that a really close friend or someone close is one of the most essential things in life. If you'd have no friends, you'd have no such hobbies like "sms-ing" or "chatting online." Lol. So yep, friends can be great to have. Or people you love and care for.
That's some of the things that I feel are great in helping me get through days in life. Many people nowadays just don't care you know. It's not exactly their fault either, it's the environment they grew up in. Sadly to say, I feel our era is just as good as it is bad. People are manipulative yet they provide the things that we need. Ah well, you can't change anything except to be smart yourself. =)
1) Mobile phone
2) Internet
3) Music
4) Alcohol
5) Hot girls/boys
6) Computer games
And whatever things that some people really take for granted.
It was a few nights ago that this thought struck me. The things that I actually DO need in everyday. It's just so typical nowadays, everyone are so into the materialistic world. We just don't see those little things that help us get through every single day.
The thing that got me thinking about this is toothpaste. I'm serious. I was in the bathroom going to brush my teeth and I was a little annoyed 'coz the tube of toothpaste was almost finished and I had to squeeze all the way from the bottom. It was then that I realised "Hey, what would I do without toothpaste?"
So yeah, the same goes for everyone. I bet some of you reading this just realised it too. That toothpaste actually helps you get through your days. I don't know though but there are some people who couldn't be bothered to brush their teeth, trust me I really do know someone like this. But generally yeah, you'd feel you haven't completed your day if you hadn't brushed your teeth.
Another thing which I feel is really important, is a mirror. I know most guys are gonna get on the case of girls being vain and yada yada yada. But again, I trust almost none of you can get through your days without looking at a mirror. It's just natural reflex that whenever you pass by a mirror or reflective surface you'd have to turn and look. I believe that is good to some point. Of course doing anything excessively is never good. However, I do think that when people look at mirrors, they just care about themselves and don't want to look like they've been through a tornado. It's just love for themselves. =)
Then the next thing which I feel is essential in life is communication technology. By this I mean phones, Internet, radio, television and etc.. And no not in the way where for some people "sms-ing" and "chatting online" is a hobby of theirs. What I mean is how useful it actually is. I mean just imagine not being able to do any of those things. And again not in like "WTFOMG NO SMS-ING??!!" but like we have no way to communicate with each other. Technically, we would just shrivel up and die. (Actually studying the field of communication at college now really made me realised how communication is much more than just "sms-ing" or "mms" or "chatting on MSN.")
Lastly, I think everyone would agree with me that a really close friend or someone close is one of the most essential things in life. If you'd have no friends, you'd have no such hobbies like "sms-ing" or "chatting online." Lol. So yep, friends can be great to have. Or people you love and care for.
That's some of the things that I feel are great in helping me get through days in life. Many people nowadays just don't care you know. It's not exactly their fault either, it's the environment they grew up in. Sadly to say, I feel our era is just as good as it is bad. People are manipulative yet they provide the things that we need. Ah well, you can't change anything except to be smart yourself. =)
The people I admire
I don't admire people for nothing or invalid reasons. There has to be a solid and good reason for me to. And I don't admire people for doing something that is generally accepted as bad. So when I tell you, "Hey, I really admire that person" then that person must have done something great that I myself would have found hard.
Okay, I admit that I sometimes judge people too quickly. No, I don't show it in my face when I talk to them. But in my mind, I already have a place for them. I am not sure if this is good nor bad. However, still I decided that college is the time for me to really widen that circle of perspective and learn to accept various forms of people.
Hence, people who are able to do that, I admire them.
Also, when there's an argument or misunderstanding, I would always wait for the other person to make the first move for a peace agreement. The reason is because I don't forgive and forget easily.
Thus, people who are able to do that, I admire them.
Next, I am always to do something bold and new because I am afraid of what others might react to it. Laugh, snort, ignore - whatever. I guess you can say I am self-conscious and timid. But after so many years, I am much better now. Though of course there are still room for improvement.
So, people who indifferent towards the perceptions of others, I admire them.
Lastly, I am not a very expressive person. I don't exhibit my emotions externally, instead I always remain cool and indifferent. It is not that I don't care, I was just not born like that. But I am trying.
Therefore, people who aren't afraid to show their emotions (happy, sad or anger), I admire them.
Okay, I admit that I sometimes judge people too quickly. No, I don't show it in my face when I talk to them. But in my mind, I already have a place for them. I am not sure if this is good nor bad. However, still I decided that college is the time for me to really widen that circle of perspective and learn to accept various forms of people.
Hence, people who are able to do that, I admire them.
Also, when there's an argument or misunderstanding, I would always wait for the other person to make the first move for a peace agreement. The reason is because I don't forgive and forget easily.
Thus, people who are able to do that, I admire them.
Next, I am always to do something bold and new because I am afraid of what others might react to it. Laugh, snort, ignore - whatever. I guess you can say I am self-conscious and timid. But after so many years, I am much better now. Though of course there are still room for improvement.
So, people who indifferent towards the perceptions of others, I admire them.
Lastly, I am not a very expressive person. I don't exhibit my emotions externally, instead I always remain cool and indifferent. It is not that I don't care, I was just not born like that. But I am trying.
Therefore, people who aren't afraid to show their emotions (happy, sad or anger), I admire them.
It Has Been A While
You don't want to know how many times I opened the "Create post" page at Blogger and stared at the blank text space waiting for some sort of inspiration to hit me. It's saddening that now I can't seem to get ANY sort of ideas or inspirations on what to write. It just shows how pathetic a wannabe journalist I can be. *sigh*
Tonight is one of those nights. The nights where I spend hours just listening to emo songs and be emo. And those nights also happens to be times when I am able to write best for some reason. I guess you can say I'm an emotionally driven writer. Yep.
For some reason I could kinda tell that since my week started out awesome, I knew it was gonna end slightly worse. This week was pretty eventful. It started out with that interview and presentation and then the peak was when they told me I got the scholarship. So for a few days, it stayed stagnant at the top until about a day ago when it started going downhill. I don't know. Maybe it is just me being emotional.
Strangely, I've been feeling bouts of paranoia for the past few weeks. I never really discussed it with anyone not even him for the fear that it might spark another argument. God, I hate arguments with him. Long before, arguments between us could be solved so easily. Now, it's almost like we're throwing verbal daggers at each other (except that his are more sharper). Yeah, that's the part that scares me most. I get doubtful when people tell me "I would never...[insert whatever actions or doings] to you." Because when some time later when they actually do it, it hurts so bad.
Sometimes I wonder if couples do forget the reason they're together. Like when you see that person for a long time very often, you sort of get used to them and it becomes a routine. True, when you say that you can't imagine a day without them because it has become daily routine to call, or meet up or having meals with them. I suppose that is when couples forget the very reason why they got together. It becomes sort of like the need you have to drink a cup of coffee every morning or else you can't start your day. You just know that you have to have it but you kinda "forgot" the reason why.
No doubt, he treats me good. The best I would say. I never felt happier than with anyone else. When we're happy, we are really happy but when we argue, it is just the worst of its kind. I get intimidated by that side of him because I find it very hard to reason with him at that time. Sometimes it is just dumb how we start arguing. From an almost nonsensical reason, a huge argument would ensue. It's almost ridiculous.
But ah well, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship I guess. Bound to be ups and downs. Anyway, I just got a call from him. He's back. Gosh, I missed him.
Goodnight guys.
Tonight is one of those nights. The nights where I spend hours just listening to emo songs and be emo. And those nights also happens to be times when I am able to write best for some reason. I guess you can say I'm an emotionally driven writer. Yep.
For some reason I could kinda tell that since my week started out awesome, I knew it was gonna end slightly worse. This week was pretty eventful. It started out with that interview and presentation and then the peak was when they told me I got the scholarship. So for a few days, it stayed stagnant at the top until about a day ago when it started going downhill. I don't know. Maybe it is just me being emotional.
Strangely, I've been feeling bouts of paranoia for the past few weeks. I never really discussed it with anyone not even him for the fear that it might spark another argument. God, I hate arguments with him. Long before, arguments between us could be solved so easily. Now, it's almost like we're throwing verbal daggers at each other (except that his are more sharper). Yeah, that's the part that scares me most. I get doubtful when people tell me "I would never...[insert whatever actions or doings] to you." Because when some time later when they actually do it, it hurts so bad.
Sometimes I wonder if couples do forget the reason they're together. Like when you see that person for a long time very often, you sort of get used to them and it becomes a routine. True, when you say that you can't imagine a day without them because it has become daily routine to call, or meet up or having meals with them. I suppose that is when couples forget the very reason why they got together. It becomes sort of like the need you have to drink a cup of coffee every morning or else you can't start your day. You just know that you have to have it but you kinda "forgot" the reason why.
No doubt, he treats me good. The best I would say. I never felt happier than with anyone else. When we're happy, we are really happy but when we argue, it is just the worst of its kind. I get intimidated by that side of him because I find it very hard to reason with him at that time. Sometimes it is just dumb how we start arguing. From an almost nonsensical reason, a huge argument would ensue. It's almost ridiculous.
But ah well, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship I guess. Bound to be ups and downs. Anyway, I just got a call from him. He's back. Gosh, I missed him.
Goodnight guys.
The New Chapter
So here I am at a whole different place where I shall begin my tertiary education. Today's my first day and I already can feel the difference. This is the chance where I can really start afresh. I've already set mental goals and trying to change certain unsatisfactory attitudes in myself.
Anyway, at the moment my place does not have the required Internet connection yet so I'm stealing some from Teddy's place for a while. So I guess I won't be able to update this in a while. =)
For those curious about my SPM results, I got 8As. Managed to get partial scholarship with it. My parents were practically in tears of joy. Lol. Ah well...now I've eased part of the educational burden, they're pretty thankful that I did managed to get scholarship. Mmm...so this is where I embark on a new journey I guess. =)
Anyway, at the moment my place does not have the required Internet connection yet so I'm stealing some from Teddy's place for a while. So I guess I won't be able to update this in a while. =)
For those curious about my SPM results, I got 8As. Managed to get partial scholarship with it. My parents were practically in tears of joy. Lol. Ah well...now I've eased part of the educational burden, they're pretty thankful that I did managed to get scholarship. Mmm...so this is where I embark on a new journey I guess. =)
This Is For You
(Sorry I didn't include a proper title. I shall let the entire post speak for itself.)
Hot tears sting the back of my eyes. How I wish I wasn't this emotional. PMS played a huge role in this but there's also a little part which I know isn't to be blamed on these monthly hormonal "attacks." It's the part where the real emotional and overreacting me comes in.
That real part is kinda new to me because so far I have never met with such...unwelcoming feelings before. It only started recently, and the person with me when it started is him. The good part about these feelings are that if it were to start when I am with him then it means that his presence in my life exhibits a very significant puzzle piece in my jigsaw puzzle of a life.
I would say in most of my previous relationships I was like the "guy" in a relationship. I was like that too at the beginning of this one with him. Phone calls, text messages, little expressions of love would all be initiated by the guy. I was...I would say stubborn. I didn't want to admit and show how much I really miss that person. I rarely expressed how I felt for someone publicly on the Internet. I was embarrassed. Yes, I was that type of person. I was the cool and passive one who would always wait for the other party to make the first move.
But then he came. At first, I admit I thought it would be like previous relationships and yes I mistook him as any other normal guy. However, when other parties came into the picture I then realised the unnoticed chemistry I had with him. There was this complete chemistry thing. What I mean by that is there's chemistry when talking online and talking on the phone.
So when I saw my mistake and made a decision to ensure that there will only him and I, I slowly fell deeper into what most people would call love. And from there I learnt how it is to really commit to someone. It was hard at first because I was so used to being the cool and passive one. I would always wait for the other person to sms/call/message first. But with him, I just let everything go and let whatever feelings take me.
At first, all went so well. I thought that maybe heaven had moved its position to right where I am. I never felt so contented being with one person in my entire life spent on Earth. It's like he had it all, nothing I'm unbearably unhappy with, parents like him, my dog loves him and friends think he's nice. It was just an awesome status and situation to be in.
Then lately, I think I'm slowly turning to be like the typical "girl" in a relationship. And I'm scared of that. Because the reason he fell for me was that I didn't appear to be any typical girl. Right now, I'm getting so emotional over little things. I've been overreacting a lot hence most of our previous arguments. I feel like I'm falling into the wrong deep end of love. As if the moment long ago when I completely let myself go into this hole called "love", I really did let everything go. I didn't take care to be aware which deep end of love I was falling into.
Emotions are so spilling over the top now and its a mixture of good and bad emotions. And the strength of these emotions are strong. Sometimes I feel I can't control them and just let them take over. That's where the insecurities, overreacting, flashes of temper and tears come in. I'm beginning to fear that it's going to get on his nerves. I know guys dislike it when their girls start acting peevish and spoiled. And I myself had tried hard not to let myself turn into those girls because they were the very reasons why boyfriends got sick of their girlfriends.
And what's worse? I'm turning into like them! I'm becoming clingy and spoiled. I get mad when I find out he actually is doing something else while talking to me. I mean in my head I'm pretty rational, I know it is definitely NOT right for me to get mad but in my heart I am more emotional than rational and because my heart has been growing faster than my brain, so it overrides the power of the brain to process a situation beforehand. It's a tad slower than my heart so only after the emotions have subsided my brain realises what a disaster my heart has made. A few times it put whatever great things I had with him teetering over the edge of the cliff overlooking the sea of break-ups.
Fortunately, I saw to my ways of error and made up for it. But the same thing happens every single time and I'm really starting to wonder if maybe one day the thread snaps due to the tension. And it will be because of me. It's really strange it started out with him sacrificing so much to be with me because he saw the perfection in me and at that moment like I thought he was just any other guy. However, now it seems like I'm turning out to be just any other girl and the perfection in him just shines.
It's like I'm turning into a different person when I'm with him. Before that I was known to be a very composed person. I do not show excessive emotions even if I am really feeling dejected and miserable. But then referring to what I said above, the reason why these rash emotions came in is because I finally let myself sink completely into someone's arms. He had the key to the locked doors that led to so many great and not so great feelings.
And when we argue he yells and curses. He's not afraid to hurt me unlike other guys who take all the blame and spoil the girl. He stops me and tells me directly what I'd done wrong. I would act all defensive and blame everyone one else except myself. But he would stand his ground and help me realise my flaws. Even though he lost his temper and yelled at me, in the end he would always forgive my mistakes and apologised even though it was my fault. Now, that is truly unconditional love. And for that I love him to bits, my Teddy.
Hot tears sting the back of my eyes. How I wish I wasn't this emotional. PMS played a huge role in this but there's also a little part which I know isn't to be blamed on these monthly hormonal "attacks." It's the part where the real emotional and overreacting me comes in.
That real part is kinda new to me because so far I have never met with such...unwelcoming feelings before. It only started recently, and the person with me when it started is him. The good part about these feelings are that if it were to start when I am with him then it means that his presence in my life exhibits a very significant puzzle piece in my jigsaw puzzle of a life.
I would say in most of my previous relationships I was like the "guy" in a relationship. I was like that too at the beginning of this one with him. Phone calls, text messages, little expressions of love would all be initiated by the guy. I was...I would say stubborn. I didn't want to admit and show how much I really miss that person. I rarely expressed how I felt for someone publicly on the Internet. I was embarrassed. Yes, I was that type of person. I was the cool and passive one who would always wait for the other party to make the first move.
But then he came. At first, I admit I thought it would be like previous relationships and yes I mistook him as any other normal guy. However, when other parties came into the picture I then realised the unnoticed chemistry I had with him. There was this complete chemistry thing. What I mean by that is there's chemistry when talking online and talking on the phone.
So when I saw my mistake and made a decision to ensure that there will only him and I, I slowly fell deeper into what most people would call love. And from there I learnt how it is to really commit to someone. It was hard at first because I was so used to being the cool and passive one. I would always wait for the other person to sms/call/message first. But with him, I just let everything go and let whatever feelings take me.
At first, all went so well. I thought that maybe heaven had moved its position to right where I am. I never felt so contented being with one person in my entire life spent on Earth. It's like he had it all, nothing I'm unbearably unhappy with, parents like him, my dog loves him and friends think he's nice. It was just an awesome status and situation to be in.
Then lately, I think I'm slowly turning to be like the typical "girl" in a relationship. And I'm scared of that. Because the reason he fell for me was that I didn't appear to be any typical girl. Right now, I'm getting so emotional over little things. I've been overreacting a lot hence most of our previous arguments. I feel like I'm falling into the wrong deep end of love. As if the moment long ago when I completely let myself go into this hole called "love", I really did let everything go. I didn't take care to be aware which deep end of love I was falling into.
Emotions are so spilling over the top now and its a mixture of good and bad emotions. And the strength of these emotions are strong. Sometimes I feel I can't control them and just let them take over. That's where the insecurities, overreacting, flashes of temper and tears come in. I'm beginning to fear that it's going to get on his nerves. I know guys dislike it when their girls start acting peevish and spoiled. And I myself had tried hard not to let myself turn into those girls because they were the very reasons why boyfriends got sick of their girlfriends.
And what's worse? I'm turning into like them! I'm becoming clingy and spoiled. I get mad when I find out he actually is doing something else while talking to me. I mean in my head I'm pretty rational, I know it is definitely NOT right for me to get mad but in my heart I am more emotional than rational and because my heart has been growing faster than my brain, so it overrides the power of the brain to process a situation beforehand. It's a tad slower than my heart so only after the emotions have subsided my brain realises what a disaster my heart has made. A few times it put whatever great things I had with him teetering over the edge of the cliff overlooking the sea of break-ups.
Fortunately, I saw to my ways of error and made up for it. But the same thing happens every single time and I'm really starting to wonder if maybe one day the thread snaps due to the tension. And it will be because of me. It's really strange it started out with him sacrificing so much to be with me because he saw the perfection in me and at that moment like I thought he was just any other guy. However, now it seems like I'm turning out to be just any other girl and the perfection in him just shines.
It's like I'm turning into a different person when I'm with him. Before that I was known to be a very composed person. I do not show excessive emotions even if I am really feeling dejected and miserable. But then referring to what I said above, the reason why these rash emotions came in is because I finally let myself sink completely into someone's arms. He had the key to the locked doors that led to so many great and not so great feelings.
And when we argue he yells and curses. He's not afraid to hurt me unlike other guys who take all the blame and spoil the girl. He stops me and tells me directly what I'd done wrong. I would act all defensive and blame everyone one else except myself. But he would stand his ground and help me realise my flaws. Even though he lost his temper and yelled at me, in the end he would always forgive my mistakes and apologised even though it was my fault. Now, that is truly unconditional love. And for that I love him to bits, my Teddy.
Are We (Girls) Really That Complicated?
There's really no straight answer to that. But generally from what I observed, yes girls can be really complicated. Yeah, including me. I'm not so sure about others of the same gender but for myself I never intended it to be so complicated.
Girls usually put up all sorts of complicated and confusing expressions as a subterfuge to what they really want. And please, it's not like we're doing it on purpose. I believe in general girls are much more emotional than guys. Every little tiny thing whether words or actions have influence against how we feel. We desire unconditional love and attention. Nothing else would make us happier than that.
They say that men are really simple beings, they have a clear idea of what they want. I believe women starts out with a single clear goal but because women tend to possess a higher emotional capacity thus it turns something simple into a matter of complication. Also women are more self-conscious than men. They always want to look their best even if it's to throw out the rubbish. Hey I do that, if I were to step out of the house I would check if my hair is alright. Men couldn't care less even if it looks like a mini-bomb has been dropped onto their hair.
So yeah I would say us girls are meticulous creatures, they take every little detail into account. Hence, having men brand us as "complicated." But like I said before, there's no straight explanation and every girl differs from the rest. If you're lucky you might land yourself with a less complicated girl and if not, then good luck to you. =)
(I seen some of those girls before, even I myself find them annoying. So I don't really blame you guys for getting sick of their behavior. =D)
Girls usually put up all sorts of complicated and confusing expressions as a subterfuge to what they really want. And please, it's not like we're doing it on purpose. I believe in general girls are much more emotional than guys. Every little tiny thing whether words or actions have influence against how we feel. We desire unconditional love and attention. Nothing else would make us happier than that.
They say that men are really simple beings, they have a clear idea of what they want. I believe women starts out with a single clear goal but because women tend to possess a higher emotional capacity thus it turns something simple into a matter of complication. Also women are more self-conscious than men. They always want to look their best even if it's to throw out the rubbish. Hey I do that, if I were to step out of the house I would check if my hair is alright. Men couldn't care less even if it looks like a mini-bomb has been dropped onto their hair.
So yeah I would say us girls are meticulous creatures, they take every little detail into account. Hence, having men brand us as "complicated." But like I said before, there's no straight explanation and every girl differs from the rest. If you're lucky you might land yourself with a less complicated girl and if not, then good luck to you. =)
(I seen some of those girls before, even I myself find them annoying. So I don't really blame you guys for getting sick of their behavior. =D)